sad sad sad

Friends, Family and Internet Crazies--my world has been rocked this past weekend. This is no surprise to those of you who are (really let's be honest--blessed enough to be) one of my Facebook friends, but my Grandpa passed away on Friday and he deserves his own blog post.
My real grandpa died before I was born. When this grandpa married my grandma, even though he already had kids of his own, he swooped in and was a dad to my mom and aunt and uncles. He's really the only grandpa I've ever known but for the greater part of my childhood, he and my grandma raised me so he was really more of a father figure to me. He woke me up for school in the morning and we'd sit at the kitchen table together listening to country music on his radio while I ate my oatmeal and he drank his coffee. I learned so much from him those mornings at the table. He worked part time driving a school bus and part time farming the land we lived on. I cherished opportunities I had to go out and work in the fields with him.
When I was around 11 years old, he and my grandma divorced and he remarried shortly thereafter. That started my life of pretty much moving from one place to another and for the next 13 years I would never live in any one place for longer than 4 years. Even though my grandparents divorced, they always had me in common. No one in the entire world loves me more than those 2 people.
I came home from my mission and got a job working close to where Grandpa worked. (In Idaho you have to get your car emissions tested each year and there are these vans on every corner where this is done. My Grandpa owns a couple of these vans.) We ate lunch together everyday for the 3 or 4 months I worked close to him and, just like those mornings when I was a kid, I learned so much from him. I learned that as long as you want to work you will always have a job. Gosh, so much more. He was so proud of me and the person I'd become. He was this gruff, ornery old man. Quick to snap and oh so sarcastic. But underneath that exterior was this wonderfully generous and loving man who was one of my biggest fans. (And vice versa) He talked about the things he'd overcome and what plans he and his wife had to travel. Man, I wish I could go back and spend one more day sitting across from him while he ate a sandwich and just talked to me. Ugh.
He was so supportive of my decision to move to Utah, although he warned me that if I didn't at least call him whenever I came to town he would "kick my butt." Ha ha. I came here with no job, a place to stay for 2 months and just a lot of faith that would work out. When my money ran out and my rent was due, I called him and was so embarrassed to ask for help. He told me in his gruff and completely sweet way that there was no shame in asking for help. "Everyone needs help at one time or another. I'm glad I can help you and one day you'll help your kids."
When Scott and I got engaged, my own father made it very clear to me that he wanted nothing to do with my wedding because we were getting married in the temple. I called my Grandpa, so upset, and he agreed to stand by me and said he never thought he would ever wear a tuxedo. Here is a picture of him in that tuxedo:

As time went on, like most selfish and stupid kids, I stopped calling every time I came into town. I only saw him a handful of times since my wedding. We visited him after we had Jack so he could meet him and we saw him again last year so he could meet Elisabeth. (He absolutely fell in love with her because she looks just like I did when I was a baby) Last year he was finishing chemo for lung cancer. When I got a Christmas card this year, his wife said that they'd found a brain tumor and would be starting chemo and radiation again. I was so bummed and thought I needed to call and check on him but of course I did not. I was "too sick" or "too busy" or "too tired" or whatever.
Then, on Friday, my big sister sent me a text and asked if I'd heard about him. I non-chalantly replied that I'd heard he had a brain tumor, was there more? As soon as I sent that text, I knew there was more. I called his house and found out he'd passed away that morning. Apparently his wife had taken him to the hospital on Monday because something just wasn't right. They said they thought he'd had a small heart attack and admitted him. Tuesday they said his heart would never be strong enough for him to come home and he'd have to go to a long-term care facility. Wednesday he was admitted and they said it was just a matter of time. He'd lost his short-term memory and pretty much they were just keeping him comfortable. Friday they said he'd only have about an hour left and he lasted about 20 minutes.
Now, I absolutely know that he is happier. He was so sick and that's just not him. He's this tough and gruff old bird and to be weak and frail had to be just horrific for him. His son was killed like 20 years ago and I know that he has to be so happy to be with him again. I mean, I get all of that. I'm just so sad and angry at myself for taking it for granted that he would always be here. I am just devastated that I never got a chance to say goodbye and to tell him one last time that I love him. This is so hard because if I would have picked up the phone when I got that card, I would have had the opportunity. It's totally my fault that I missed that opportunity and I hope I'm never stupid enough to miss another opportunity to make sure someone I love knows how much I love them. I wish I'd been able to tell him we're having another baby. I wish I'd just been able to hear that gruff voice tell me he loves me. Wish wish wish.
So that's the sad story. I really appreciate those of you who have expressed condolences and offered prayers on my behalf and that of my family. I also appreciate those of you who have stopped by with cookies or other treats--they really do help! LOL. I still feel like my heart is broken. I still have all of these regrets I know he'd be so mad to know that I have. I still spend a large part of the day crying because I literally think about him ALL the time. I know from experience these sharp pains will dull with time, but that ache that's left over is almost as unbearable.