Ramblings...

I have a problem. You see, I'm tired. A lot. I have two little kids to chase after, I have to keep the dog from tormenting the cat, the cat from taunting the dog, a husband to love and feed, a house to (attempt to) keep clean, a calling to magnify and friends to serve. I say this not to complain, to evoke guilt or to solicit empathy. I say this because it's a fact. I'm tired. A lot. However, when I finally lay down to sleep my mind is suddenly alert and a million and one things race through it. My poor body lays there, mostly limp from exhaustion, begging my mind to just shut up and go to sleep already. I kind of think of them as bickering siamese twins. But I digress. So what's on my mind tonight? What is keeping me from sleeping even though I'm so tired I can barely backspace and correct typos? Inadequacy. Which, perhaps ironically, I spelled wrong the first time. Ha ha. Again, let me be very clear: I am not posting these random thoughts so that you feel sorry for my hard life or feel prompted to comment and tell me how wonderful I truly am (don't comment, send money. LOL) I say this because it's MY blog and I can say whatever I want to and you have to love me no matter what. So there.

So this is how I happened upon this train o thought. I was reading my scriptures in French. I like doing this because A. it makes me feel good that even though I sound horrible speaking it and conjugate like a 4 year old, I can still understand and pretty much be understood. B. I have to work a little harder to understand what I'm reading, it's more participatory for me and I find that I get more out of it and C. Well, it just makes me feel cool. Don't judge. So I was reading and I thought about something my cousin's husband said today. We were talking about spirituality and how to maintain and advance our own. He suggested that when we read the Scriptures, 3 things should happen: 1. We should be able to feel the Spirit and recognize it as such. 2. We should feel God's love for us and 3. We should receive personal revelation. I agree with him and I applied these principles as I read tonight.  I can't share #1 with you because, well, the Holy Spirit is something you FEEL, not READ on a random person's blog. But the other 2 things is what has kept me up thinking.

I have a hard time feeling God's love for me. Well, not necessarily FEELING it, because it's there, as I wrote in my last post. I guess I should reiterate by saying, I have a hard time feeling worthy of God's love. I'm grateful that He does love me, but I sometimes think he's like one of those parents who has a really ugly baby and wants to show it off. They're all, "Isn't my baby beautiful?" and people who aren't blinded by prejudice are like "GAAAAA!! Get it away! Is ugly contagious??" Sometimes I feel like that ugly baby. We all have our moments when we look in the mirror only to see imperfections. I pretty constantly see all of the ways I fall short and, what's ironic, I hate that about myself.

So as I was reading tonight, and trying to feel God's love for me, I was reminded of some really good talks I've heard that addressed this very thing. Let me move onto #3, the personal revelation part, and then I'll come back to #2. Follow along, it'll make sense in a minute. One talk that I felt prompted to read is from Sister Beck, the General Relief Society president. She talk about priorities and our responsibility as mothers in the home to be the "lioness at the gate" guarding our families and helping guide them in the right direction. She talks about how we simply HAVE to prioritize our time. Women have SO many demands on them (see the beginning of this post) and if we don't prioritize, we lose power. I think this is absolutely true, but I'm still working on that. For me, everything on my to-do list is "essential." But what I really liked was that she talked about starting small. She told the story of an afghan she has that is made up of a whole bunch of little squares. It was made by an old woman who felt like she was too old to have anything to offer anymore. Her daughter suggested she knit just one square. Working one square at a time, she knitted hundreds and had enough to make afghans to supply to the Humanitarian Aid center and to give as gifts. This is the part that really touched me. I don't feel like I have great gifts to offer the human race. I'm not amazingly swell at any one thing. But I am pretty okay at a whole lot of things. So while I can't perform a great big gigantic act of service, I can perform lots of little ones. And hopefully, with the Lord's help, those little things will become great big things.

Then I re-read a talk given by President Uchtdorf in the Relief Society General Broadcast a couple of years ago. He talks about how hard women are on ourselves. We never feel good enough and so often, that leads to feelings of frustration, exhaustion and unhappiness. (What? Did he just say my name?)  He said a couple of things (and I'm paraphrasing here) that really stood out to me. One, most importantly, he talked about how much God loves us. How grateful He is to us for the things we do and what we can do to overcome these feelings. He said we can create beautiful things. We might not feel like we're super creative, but we ALL can do something to create beauty and helpfulness. When I read this, I thought of my home. Now, to quote a new friend, "We try to keep our home a level above disgusting." I loved that. My house is usually cluttered with toys, games, junk mail, dishes are in the sink and laundry is overflowing. I wonder how much more peaceful and accomplished I will feel if I make a concerted effort to make sure that my home is not only CLEAN (which is usually is) but picked up and uncluttered. Will I be able to feel the Spirit of the Lord more fully? I don't know. But I'm going to try. He also talked about having compassion on others. Now, this seems almost counter-intuitive. So I'm overwhelmed and exhausted because I'm in a constant state of service--to my friends, my family, my calling (these 3 categories encompass A LOT!) so in order to feel better, I should keep serving? You know what? Yes. Why? Because when we're helping we're happy. I recognize that I need to prioritize. That service to someone else at the great expense of my family isn't appropriate. But I need to keep serving because it makes me happy and it makes me feel like Heavenly Father is proud of me. My service might be small, it might be unorganized, I might get halfway through and forget what I was doing but it's my gift. It's my best and THAT is what matters. So this is how I felt God's love for me. I was reminded that my little gifts are so precious to him. One day, Jack ran out the front door and my first inclination was to yell at him because he's not allowed in the front yard by himself, but for some reason, I felt restrained to do so. He came back inside with a fist full of dandelions for me. I've never loved dandelions until I became a mother and I discovered that even a weed can be a precious gift. So often my gifts seem like weeds to me. They're not big enough or good enough or whatever. But to my Heavenly Father, they are sweet reminders to Him that I love Him and want to please Him. I refuse to let myself believe that I cannot change the world. Even if it's just MY world, I can and will change it.

I don't know if you've ever felt this way or if my ramblings helped you at all. It helped me just to see it in black and white. (Well, you will see it in blue and brown!) Thank you for accepting my small gifts and for giving me gifts of your own, both big and small.

 Friends, family and Internet crazies, you make me better and I appreciate you for that.