I Wanna Talk About Me...

Surprisingly enough, I don't think about myself too often. I feel like I'm one of the most selfish people to walk on the planet but it's purely unintentional (and therefore excused? Ha ha!) so it's surprising to me when I have these moments. Tonight, I've thought about my life.

My life has not been easy. I choose not to complain or place blame or feel sorry for myself. More about that in a minute. As a child, I was adored. I was and am surrounded by strong men and women who love me like I hung the moon. Everyone has their own issues (I mean, really--who doesn't?) so I guess I can't fault anyone for my childhood because they were all trying to figure it out as well. Even my Grandma--my north star--made some mistakes that I think she felt like she could make right through me. As a child I felt equal parts bitterness that I didn't have the same life my friends had and an adult sort of capability of just making it through the day. While I wish I could go back in time and hug the 10 year old version of me, I have to be thankful for those experiences that have molded me into the woman I am today. In my Baptist days, I remember a member of the congregation singing a song about being thankful for the thorns. I am thankful for the thorns. I'm thankful for my "Baptist days!" :o)

I was talking to a friend the other night about my childhood and I told her that, even as a child, I saw things happen in my family and I thought, "That will never be me. That will never be my life." And it wasn't and hasn't been. I'm most certainly not better than a single member of my family. In fact, there are things I have yet to learn from each one of them. Things like how to love so much, how to accept openly, how to give generously...some days I shake my head and think we're all a big mess, but other days I see them for who they really are--people who share my blood and my history and who love me like no one else in this world ever has or ever will. But there were things I didn't like, that didn't seem right. How lucky I have been to be able to live differently. One day, one choice at a time.

As a teenager, I started making Big Choices. Things that have affected my life in ways I didn't even understand then. There are so many things I wish I could do over.  Things I wish I'd said or done differently. But then again, if I had, who knows what the end result would have been? Maybe I'm just having a Christmas Carol moment, but I can't help but think that everything happened in the exact way it was SUPPOSED to. It's easy to forget that even though we have agency to choose, a loving Heavenly Father is still in control and He can see the beginning to the end. He knew what I would become with each choice that was before me. 

I chose to join the LDS Church. Wow. Not an easy choice--I mean come on! I had to give up coffee. PLEASE! It was a choice I made with more prayer than any other choice I'd ever made up to that point--and since, come to think of it. That choice literally saved my life. I lost some amazing friends. I regret that deeply. Thankfully (hopefully!) I've made some of them back. I believe a TRUE friend will always come back with as much love as ever before. Thanks for being true friends. 

I chose to go on a mission. Wow. Another tough one. I didn't feel like I could leave my family. I couldn't afford it. I was scared out of my mind. But I knew it was what the Lord wanted and not only did He provide a way, He cared for my family in my absence. There isn't enough time in the world to go into how much my mission changed me. Not only because of the people and the places and the experiences that showed me who I wanted to be when I took that name tag off, not only because I met my sweet husband in the Missionary Training Center (don't judge!), but because that was the first time in my ENTIRE life I felt like my life was perfectly in harmony with what God wanted. I felt His love for me and His pride in me for giving up everything for Him. What a sweet experience. To literally give all I had and was to Him for 18 short months. Gosh, what an amazing privilege. That gave me faith in Him.

I chose to get married in the temple. This wasn't a hard choice--it was what I wanted since I joined the Church at age 18. But it was a painful choice. It was a choice that people I love didn't understand and some didn't accept. That was hard. The happiest day of my life was bittersweet because some people that I love more than my life couldn't accept my choice and chose not to be part of it. But some chose to participate, even though they didn't understand. That made me grateful for them.

I chose to be a mommy! Okay, Scott and I made that choice together, but it was scary! Would I perpetuate the mistakes made in my childhood? Would we be okay financially? We were both in college and working and just trying to get by! Would we know what to teach him? Would we be good examples? Would Scott live through my hormonal outbursts? (Okay, only one hormonal outburst but it was a doozy and that story will remain in our family for generations to come!) Jack has...wow. I can't even think about what Jack has added to me as an individual, to me and Scott as a couple, to our extended family without getting all sobby.  He brought light and healing and amazement and hilarity...Gosh, where would I be without that choice? Definitely on my list of my favorite choices I've made.

So I look back at all of those choices peppered with others--some big, some small--and I'm thankful for them. I'm thankful for my trials, I'm thankful for the choices, I'm thankful for the consequences (both good and bad) but mostly I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who I know, at times, had to have been holding His breath and crossing His fingers while looking down on me making these choices. I'm thankful for friends old and new and family normal and crazy, those connected by blood and those connected by love. Beautiful people and lovely examples. I hope that I can love you and support YOUR choices in the way you have loved me and supported mine. Que Dieu vous benisse. (Sounds so much better in French!)